And then there was...love

I have never in my 9 years of having sex, experienced anything as fantastic as each and every time my body and mind engage with you.

good. GOT. damn.

Confessions...

So, this 10 day boyfriend thing is pretty damn awesome!!!

Last nights, phone night cap was rather interesting...I was half whispering my words because it was late and I did not want to wake the house, primarily my sister with whom I slept with. We talked about marriage and the possibility of me being married before him. However, we have a standing non-negotiable clause in our friendship that on or before I reach 32, we are to procreate a man child into this world, the old fashion way.

Then we drifted onward towards practicing and perverted thoughts, and at that moment again I wanted to act out Dr. Suess' "Hop on Pop"


Today's discussion goes as follows (in synopsis form):

Him: if you woulda been able to magically read my thoughts...you woulda been like...damn nigga let me breathe lol

Me: i wanted to punch you that night you kept harassing me and then falling back to sleep, then i'd fall asleep and you would start harassing me again

Him: basically i had the andre 3000 skit in my head...minus the sex lol

Me: (thinking to self) what is he doing, go away or go all the way

Me: it's not like we've never done such things in a former life

Him: but im the dummy

Me: its kinda funny though bc i know you're a perv

Him: I know and that should give me more reason to act like one lol. because you know

Me: lol yup


Let's see what I can make happen over the next few days... Aoooow!
*plotting*

A Merry Christmas Tale...

So for starters, I was really having a rough Christmas Eve. Pops had got on my last nerve he was making assumptions and throwing all types of inappropriate attitude my way. His side comments were not worth my headache and I was ready to exit stage left and go on with my life as an adult else where. But because He has mercy upon me and He heard a dove cry, He granted me some peace, by sending one of the best gifts I could have asked for in my life, my best friend and sister. Not only did she surprise me and show up to spend Christmas day with me, she promptly arrived at midnight making this the best gift I could have received all year long.

Yes I cried on the inside but was smiling from ear to ear on the outside :)

As the day went along, there was of course gift giving in the early morning with the kiddies because they were eager for it to be Christmas morning. Baby girl ran around the house causing a serious stir and finally she was victorious at 7:15am when all were summoned to the living room for gift exchange and loud children screams of joy.

Routine day occurred there-in after I made breakfast, took a nap, dinner was served, all while kids where at play. But something inside me told me to extend the invitation to the greatest piece of my happiness from 2008, and he too came and joined in the family affair.

We had mild interaction on name that tune, then of course Pops monopolized my time with my company as if he had come to see him. From there "he", bestie, G-bf and I went to bar Louie cracked jokes and made good times.

Although it was not an extravagant day filled with major gift exchange it marks the first time that I was completely happy as a child is on Christmas morning, because I was surrounded by all those whom I love and all were merry and I sat there and stared at Love.

Oh Christmas Eve...

Man o man, I sure hope church makes me feel better. I pray that God has a word for my spirit today when I attend my favorite service that is given at FCOG.

Christmas is one time of year that often brings me joy because it is when my family gets together and shares love and gifts. For me it is about the joy and happiness that come across the faces of my sisters and nieces and nephews, for they are innocent and they do not know what it means to struggle or be unhappy.


family = love true from me to you

So High...You Showed Me How to Fly

So I arrive, promptly at 8:30p Friday night as scheduled...pick up at 8:50p, Perfect! So we go to your home, a few things I did not like but brushed off as lapse or carefree thoughts, you didn't offer to take my suitcase in exchange for the lighter items in your hand. One pass, no biggie life happens. We go in, the kiddies are excited to see me, little miss pretty remembered me and she was the most over-joyed. It was kind of interesting to say the least and appeasing to me.

Small talk occurs...

We enter into your dwelling space, it was nice and half way clean...did not look lived in much, but you are a guy so what am I to expect (shoulder shrug). Bags dropped, quick lounge and then we went on a wild goose chase for me some food. You indulged because I was hungry, then I felt bad because a few hours later you were making love with the porcelain queen of your world your all...sawree.

The rest of the weekend was not filled with endless sex or high levels of romance, but most importantly it was purely peaceful, drama free, and a the ultimate comfort zone. No drama, no worries, no annoying or awkward interactions...just joyous life in its purest form. From the initial time we rekindled our friendship in 2007, I have found nothing but a place of happiness within you.

What does that mean?

I do not know, but what I can appreciate from it is that my heart smiles when you are involved on almost any axis of the world that it sits on. If and when the time comes for me to move forward in love and life, if that is the peak at which my heart should rest upon, I would be forever and eternally grateful...if it is not too much to ask, could you, would you save room for my love?

A moment to be with me, save a little for me...

Awe sleeping in your arms, next to you was so comforting to my soul. I am not sure if it was because I was just in need of a gentle touch or if in all honesty your touch is the one that satisfies me the most. I am not the one to play the rebound or to go back into familiar space without question or a good verbal fight, but in your world I feel like I am at a perfect place, at a perfect time, with God's most imperfect man...and I absolutely love it!!

If carelessness is this, and this is happiness, I want it now, down and dirty, to the core and forevermore. For it is this careless space that we have discussed and both equally love.

Nonetheless, heaven only knows but for now what the future holds, but I know that you the wind that makes my love flies high...


-- Dove

Time on my hands...

Thank you...

And over the past few days, I have begun to think...about the invitation you extended to me to come and spend some time with you. At this point it is selfish for me to come and do as I please, and gladly I will do this.

Why you ask? Simply because I have a million other reasons to want to wish I could just get away from it all.

So thank you for inviting me to spend "some" time. Not necessarily intimate time, but free time. Time to be careless, away from the stress and drama of my everyday world. The routine day to day of your life, right?

Like seriously, I am going to need this time to debrief and breathe without the thoughts and concerns of others. This is sometime I will spend alone, with you, but alone...much needed it shall be.

How grateful I am...

I cannot wait for this sigh of relief to come, iCannot wait!!

Today, It Really Hit Me...A Love So Far Gone

After today small glimpse inside the sorrow at which I know exists, but I wanted to pretend like it was not really there or honestly as intense as it seemed.

It really hurt my heart and ears when I heard her speak those words... my insides began to cry.

She has been showing signs of disdain and resentment over time, and it sounds like she is ready to break from it all...I do not hear neither heart stating they are eager or interested in trying again from the mild engagements on the subject matter that I have, I only hear a lot of broken heart, broken promises, broken trust, and most importantly broken friendship.

There was not enough between the two to say, "hey you, friend...what is going on here?"


I hope when my time comes that it is built off of trust, respect, love, and genuine friendship.

Because this cannot be life...
Is it really coming to this? Has it all been in vain?


I guess the truth will unveil itself...

Lost in Love?!

So out of the clear blue sky, the love of my life decides that he wants to resurface and make socialization? or a random two week recommitment? I really do not know what it is that he wants or is trying to do. We go from random weekly conversations to him asking me out the clear blue sky if I was going to come and spend some time with him during my holiday break at home. I was very confused and unclear what has brought this about, though I am eager to see what is to come I still have my heart on reserve. I mean he had it and dropped it, walked away from, barely picked it back up to a full fledged blowing it kisses and drawing smiley faces on it. I just do not trust him or any man at this point in my life. As much as I love, love I do not know or hold faith in them. I really want and need them to prove to me that they want my time and attention. I am over these half ass men and their deceitful ways that they call courtship. Until I figure out if I trust and believe I will just listen to Melanie Fiona strum my pain with her fingers, and sing all the words of my heart publicly.

Until then I will let my heart and mind ruin my happiness and fight it out...

"Apart of me wants to leave, but the other half still believes...I got to be out of my mind to think its going to work this time...and it kills me to know how much I really love you."

I miss dangerously in love...

I miss the man I do not have. I wish I knew him, I want to be proud of him in all ways possible. Cheer him through his disappoints and be a comfort through his pain.
I want to be embraced by his hug and greeted with his kiss.
I want to make some plans to spend some time with one another.

I want to remember the expression on his face when I give him the unexpected greatness of love that I know can.

I miss love, it was, is, and shall be a piece of happiness that always makes my heart smile.

Oh Johnny...

Moment of Clarity: FineAssTreySongzYuuup

I would like to take the time to Thank God for sending you to this earth, to make music that soothes my soul.

I mean for the last two weeks I have done nothing but listen to his mixtape Anticipation and CD Ready, and I can honestly say that I appreciate them in there entirety and not one time have I lingered my thoughts over to Him.

That is probably the best feeling of self-release that I have had in several months. I really truly appreciate Trey Songz for allowing me to re-appreciate love songs, in addition to the fact that my mind and loins lust after his fine ass...YUUUP :)

Nothing is more important than getting my fairytale on...

Can. We. Try. Again.

This was all I had to say on 9.24.09 (shouts out to Raheem Devaugh)

My name use to roll off your tongue in the heat of passion.
I wish that love was easy and everlasting.

Maybe you just love too hard, maybe I just love too free.
But when you jumped ship baby, you took a piece of me.

They say Rome wasn't built in one day .
So somehow maybe someway you can see past my imperfections and I can just love you for who you are.

If time heals all wounds, hoping you will come around soon.

And maybe...we can...try again...

(damn you, I said I was done blogging about your ass!!)

Venting Session: For the Momma's Who Ain't Raise Them Right...

So I wrote this blog on 9.23.09 in my old BB but forgot to email it to myself before I turned on my new one, so here goes...


Ok so this story is going be different than the last one for several reasons. Last guy I told that I was looking to date simply picked his sisters soon to be husband for me to meet in hopes that I'd let him smash. His bad.

Now granted several months later, I am still in the same predicament as I was in before, man-less, but attempting to to expand my socializing and courting experiences. I've taken some tome to self reflect on some things and since moving to NY I've dated several men and gotten serious momentarily or passed them all off casually. Couple of dinner and movie guys, some simply intimate relationships, and then there were those who kept my attention just long enough for me to catch feelings, that when it all ended I'd have a minor (okay serious too) sorrow onset but then I would get over it soon enough.

The last of these men wasn't even a New Yorker, but I will leave that story alone, he has gotten his fair share on this blog already. #ontothenextone

So I hang with one of my Harlemites one day and meet some of her people, and her peoples people. (the way she has no idea I met him this night, shall be good TV when this story hits the airways) Me and the guy, we kinda connect in the room, exchange contact info and chat. This guy has a lot going on, a kid, outlandish BM saga, and he appears to be "trying" to get his life together. Ok cool, so what's up?! We talk probably 5 days a week usually no more than 20 minutes with the exceptionof he day HE called me and talked until his battery died (aww 8th grade cuteness). But that's its!! I've posed several times over for us to hang out/link-up/shoot the shit and every time he is all game and never follows up with a true response. So today I'm meeting up with home girls for dinner where else but his side of town. I hit him up say "what's real?" and he is like "yea cool". I hit him before I leave work on BBM, he reads it, no response.

I am not about the chase so when or if you make the time, yea you know what I'm about to say. I'm over it, they not worth my time and effort. I'll just keep loving myself since no one wants to inherit this jewel that I am.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, oh well. *Homer Simpson voice*

Fat...and lonely

So for about one full year now I have been complaining that I have been gaining weight. Sometimes I am completely motivated to exercise and eat properly and other times I fail myself completely over and over again. Well over the summer I noticed that I was still gaining weight I had to buy some items in the next size up and I was just thinking it was because of my breast. Well yesterday reality hit home when I had to purchase some pants in that same size as the dresses I had bought on occasion. So of course as always I just immediately cry to by best friend and tell her my troubles. I had out myself on a 1200 calorie diet for 2 weeks, that was washed down the drain when I went to PR. Upon returning from PR I have basically only consumed one meal per day, not because I am fasting or trying to renew my strength in God but because I am just at a lost of what I should be doing. What I believe I need is some motivation, and I have become dependent upon others to give it to me. I want to shop, but I know I should not being doing so. It is a guilty pleasure of mine, but going forward I will leave my at card at home and keep $20 on deck.

Let's see if I can sustain life that way. Buy myself some food at the grocery store and do as I should have been all along.


Then there is the other part of me. The part of me that I hate even exist and I really despise. The lame person inside of me is spending the majority of 2009 I have been back and forth, surface happy, deep down inside I am lonely. I was deeply in love with someone who I thought loved me in return. He did love but not as much as I did. I found so much joy and excitement in him, major fail on my part. I should never ever put my happiness into man of any kind. I do not know if I am looking for love or just looking for attention, all I do know is that I am not doing the right things.

I felt like J. Holiday, "I suffocate when you're away from me/ so much love you take for me/ im going out of my mind" but this is not how it should ever be. I just want to be happy, healthy, and in love for the right reasons, with someone who will love me as much as I love them.

ok the tears are forming gtg

Love is a fate for time...

It's too big
It's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much
It's too tough

I talk like this cause...

I once thought I could talk like Bey, I mean she has that full force confidence in her love with her man. No matter what anyone may say or do, the love she has for him is present. It is in her smile in her dance, in her giggle and even in her stern ability to not want to discuss a minute detail of what they share. I once thought, I too was on the same road as she. But as time goes along, I come to realize that I am just a hopeless romantic.

I love easy and hard. Those are two facts about myself that I have come to learn as a truth. The unfortunate component of it all for me is that it is often in vain. I've lived in the "city of dreams" for almost 5 years now and these are the types of loves I have had:

1) the final chapter - 201524624
2) the vacuum - myspace
3) summer bunny - team ballin pure talent
4) the honest liar - bob marley
5) high school high - forever crush

Number 3 and 5 had me completely bamboozled. I mean good flow and great times, then SLAP!! Dead end of the road. The first time I was a bit angry and disgruntled, but then I got over it. Time does heal all things. The second one I should have known it was a gift and curse. He had me, wide open like my 201 tender love had me. It was just so unreal to be so happy and trusting in one. We understood each other endlessly, then 9 months into it it all went up in smoke... It was not a bad break up it was just not ever an official relationship. A major part of me wants to ask him, what is it? Is there hope? Or should I just close this chapter of life and leave well enough alone? Knowing I do not want to, I know I need too because having a broken heart won't lead me to a happy home.

I just want to be happy, I want to be loved. Some one to hold me in their arms, kiss me on my cheek, and neck. I want to listen to songs about love and know that I have all of that for myself. I do not want to share a man, or someone's time. I want my own big ego to stroke, so I can have every reason to feel like I'm that bitch.

Sigh...Im going to bed.

Almost: I shoulda...

Can you tell me

How can one miss what she's never had

How could I reminisce when there is no past

How could I have memories of being happy with you boy

Could someone tell me how can this be

How could my mind pull up incidents

Recall dates and times that never happened

How could we celebrate a love that's to late

And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

I missed the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we use to kiss

At least in my dreams

Just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had

What happened to us we were almost there

Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had

Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go

Or what I should say I should've grabbed you up and never let you go

I should've went out with you

I should've made you my boo boy

Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules

I should've went on a date

Should've found a way to escape

Should've turned a almost into

If it happened now its to late

How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real

And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel

I missed the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we use to kiss

At least in my dreams

Just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had

What happened to us we were almost there

Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had

Never almost had you

(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)

And you seem to be the perfect one for me

You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)

You're all that I ever wanted

And you're my everything yes its true

Boy its hard to be close to you

My love

I know it may sound crazy

But I'm in love with you

I missed the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we use to kiss

At least in my dreams

Just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had

What happened to us we were almost there

Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had

Never almost had you

ain't nothing healthy...never good for me

last night i cried tossed and turned,
woke up with dry eyes,
my mind was racing,
feet are pacing (Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into)
ran my 3 miles to clear my mind,
it always helps out
me its my therapy when I'm losing it it
which is usually..hey hey hey

emotional....loving you was never good for me

yesterday i told myself i was going to be ok...then reality hit me, mentally, physically, and emotionally

ah ha moment, with the love of my life...

me: ok so i have been telling you about all the drama at work

4:47 PM i am convinced that it is God's design

I made a plan when I first moved here to school for 2 years, work for 3

i had/have a 5 year plan for my time in NY

4:48 PM I will be at yr 4 starting in August

I said I wanted to work at once place post graduating for up to 2 years

4:49 PM well i have been here that long, in august

and I wanted to have a new one for my last year (hopefully) in ny

4:50 PM unfortunately when I was planning and prayin for this plan I didnt say how pleasant or happy I wanted my transition to be from job one to job two

so i have chalked this up to God giving me what I want, how He wants me to have it

him: lol

4:51 PM me: He def has a tremendous sense of humor

so here we have a moment where I am chatting with the man that I love, why? idk, why i cannot shake the attention that I want to give him, no idea but for now "it is what it is"
well he and I have not spoken in depth for quite some time and he has

somewhere in the middle

"sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down. just get back up and it knocks you down"

Today from heartbreak...hold

(do i share my feelings or should I keep them to myself?)

I mean we spoke for a nice long while and it was casual, but it was not enough. i mean i really miss him and want to kiss him, and hug him and tell him how i can think of him all day long...i want him to kiss me through the phone (like he use too)

ugh, and it didn't help that i spoke to them both, your loves...sigh HBD Barb, Hi Dashi

i. love. you.

Today check-in from heartbreak:

"...there can only be one king, one standard, until someone replaces that, nothing wrong with him having a bit of a hold."

Thanks LH I heart you big bro

Refocus, Revise and Refresh...

21 day challenge...

(day 1)
admitting that something is wrong and correcting it (told my GardenBlockBoo and *Him that I have a problem) GardenBlockBoo more about my ability to not hold myself accountable as I should, *Him that something was seriously wrong but I did not know how to address it. Restarting my diet commitment and sticking to it.

Goals better eating habits:

-journaling my intake
-increasing excercise
-losing 10 lbs (and keeping it off)

here goes nothing...

Today from heartbreak...

Today from heartbreak...

A valley is a time when you long for what is missing...and a Peak is a time when you appreciate what you have.

Well we spoke via text on Saturday and Monday...
I was happy, very happy.
Then I read her facebook, the bff and I was sad again.
Sad because all that I believed appears to be true

Sigh, I am lead to believe that yet again I was holding it down for the rebound.
Even if you showed me new joys and a new world
And I shared with you mine...

I want to be over all this...practicing really hurts

bad

Notes from the heartbreak hotel...

No matter how down and dirty things get, we have a right to be hopeful...right?

Checking in with heartbreak...

I'm not sure if I want to check in or if I won't to just check it out. I often just wonder what any of this "love" shit is all about. What's the point of telling someone you care and then treating them as if they weren't ever shit or simply there. I mean seriously I'm kinda just really mad at myself that I even fell for you and what I now think is a bunch bullshit.

See I thought I had it bad when the jerks before you let me down, but I see all of you were playing the same and all decided to throw daggers at my heart. Three of you claimed to care for me and endlessly respect our friendship but as I reflect back on the time we shared it just really makes me want to fucking cry. Cry because I am confused, cry because I feel like I am a victim, cry honestly because I don't know what else to do. For a short while you were there to mend my broken wings and easy my aching heart but today you have actually brought on a new pain. Sigh* honeslty, I don't know or have a clue to were to start.

I mean I cared about you all deeply because you brought happiness...to my heart.

My sunshine, he was a battle....Cold feet he was just rude...
But Stinky, my stinky I get teary eyed at every thought of you. I let my guard down because I thought I had found a new best friend, we exchanged pieces of happiness from palm to hand. I fought to keep us alive and on good terms, BUT you excommunicated me, and left me with a world of shame. Shamed that I loved you openly, disgruntled to hear your name, 'shamed that I even adored you or attempted to call you my _______.

I mean seriously I've been broken down before and felt my face hit the ground but this, this, this disengagement has punctured me to the core and I am affraid that I will now live with fear inside. A fear that I don't want to ever love anymore or even lovingly greet Mr. Passer-by.

Testimonial: For the mommas who ain't raise them right...smdh

Let me share most recent experience with an "ain't shit niggas in the month of which his momma didn't raise him right". So Mr. DR (very attractive co-worker of mine) likes my other co-worker Queen of Haiti. They flirt regularly and such but nothing has ever gone down. Well Mr. DR takes a liking to me and wants me to meet his "friend" Mr. Half and Half. In him taking this liking he shares with me a little history about his life, only son of 10, pops was a rolling stone, everyone of his sisters are college educated and he isn't, but turned fairly decent. 32 and has 3 kids...that's Mr. DR major downfall. But then he gets back to his boy he sends me a picture of him tells me all his credintials and such, attorney in the DEAs off of the Bronx etc. Mr. Half and Half sounds like a Kool Kat to get to know. (Shouts out the Kappa Sweetheart) anywho so Mr. DR and I ride from one site to another making small talk about work blah blah. My co-worker Danisha is celebrating her bday today and Queen of Haiti and I invite Mr. DR to come out. He's extra hype like word that's what's up for sure I will come through and I will bring my boy too. I say sounds good. Then my third eye kicks in and said check and see if Mr. Half and Half has a fb because Mr. DR doesn't doesn't mean Mr. Half and Half doesn't. Well, not only does he have a fb but its wide open to the public. And this is where Mr. Half and Half falls apart and I never even met the man. He has a beautiful daughter who I see her mother has tagged Mr Half and Half's face to a pleathera of photo's. To my discovery she has the same last name a Mr. DR...hmmm. So I hit Mr. DR up like you have a fb? He says no, I say oh ok your boy does his daughter is beautiful, Mr. DR replies yea man isn't she, that's my niece!! I said I see you two have the same last name is that one of your 9 sisters? She's cute too.

Forreal Mr. DR you trying to hook me up with sister baby daddy!!!!!

THIS IS THE YEAR OF AINT SH*T N*GGAS!!

Hope this was entertaining to you as it was for me.

Ciao!

Not Gone Cry

The Playlist

I’m Not Gone Cry...MJB
Song Cry...Jay Z
Rapture of Love...Anita Baker
Disturbia...Rihanna
Rockin That Thang...Dream
Hurricane...Jasmine Sullivan
Wreckless Love...Alicia Keys





Trying to piece together my place in the beast of sweet X’s and O’s
Of course we all suffer from insecurities...( yes it starts with facebook and iphones to chats and ringtones)
But do we have them because we do not think we are "worthy" or is it because we find ourselves constantly in "Right Now’s" arms? trying to make right now, our own
I mean seriously, all want to do is love someone selflessly…

yesterday, i cried

yesterday, i cried

cried for you and everyone of your painscried for your sorrow, tears, and broken dreamsi cried for your bitterness and prayed God set you freei cried for you because knowing you are in pain, it too hurts mei cried yesterday because there was nothing left to sayi cried because your mind is spinning and it hurts to take a breathe
i cried because you are broken and don't know how to deal with the pain
i cried because God led my mind to you, and I saw your face and missed your smile
i cried for you to be happy and at peace for a while
i cried to God that you no longer endure this treacherous change

i cried because i hoped that God's lesson would not go in vain
i then spoke to God and He told me that you are His child just as I am the same
and He told me to stop these tears that rolled down and down
He reminded me of how mustard seeds were a great evidence of faith
so i did as He said and stopped sobbing my fears and i cried tears of joy
and saw you doing the same
which allowed me to praise His precious name
that he touches your heart and kisses your tears like He has done for me