Fat...and lonely

So for about one full year now I have been complaining that I have been gaining weight. Sometimes I am completely motivated to exercise and eat properly and other times I fail myself completely over and over again. Well over the summer I noticed that I was still gaining weight I had to buy some items in the next size up and I was just thinking it was because of my breast. Well yesterday reality hit home when I had to purchase some pants in that same size as the dresses I had bought on occasion. So of course as always I just immediately cry to by best friend and tell her my troubles. I had out myself on a 1200 calorie diet for 2 weeks, that was washed down the drain when I went to PR. Upon returning from PR I have basically only consumed one meal per day, not because I am fasting or trying to renew my strength in God but because I am just at a lost of what I should be doing. What I believe I need is some motivation, and I have become dependent upon others to give it to me. I want to shop, but I know I should not being doing so. It is a guilty pleasure of mine, but going forward I will leave my at card at home and keep $20 on deck.

Let's see if I can sustain life that way. Buy myself some food at the grocery store and do as I should have been all along.


Then there is the other part of me. The part of me that I hate even exist and I really despise. The lame person inside of me is spending the majority of 2009 I have been back and forth, surface happy, deep down inside I am lonely. I was deeply in love with someone who I thought loved me in return. He did love but not as much as I did. I found so much joy and excitement in him, major fail on my part. I should never ever put my happiness into man of any kind. I do not know if I am looking for love or just looking for attention, all I do know is that I am not doing the right things.

I felt like J. Holiday, "I suffocate when you're away from me/ so much love you take for me/ im going out of my mind" but this is not how it should ever be. I just want to be happy, healthy, and in love for the right reasons, with someone who will love me as much as I love them.

ok the tears are forming gtg