Sweet Escapes: Salty Substances Falling from My Eyes

The past few days have been endless torture. My spirits are low, my ambition is weak, and my heart is really fucking confused. Its not listening to my mind, or taking heed to the evident signs around it. Its really just has the attitude of "I do as I please". Granted when that is said in a joking manner amongst dear friends it quite comic relief but, lately it really pissing me off. I mean I feel like the biggest loser and really do not why. I have accomplished so much but it feels like so little. Feels like I am not accomplishing what I should, like I am just dibbling and dabbling in things but no focusing on what is deemed necessary to be fulfilling to me. I


I have sorted through a few things and have named some persons and events that I need to rid myself of but I am hoping that their existence does not have a true poisonous venom I am dreaming of. And I anticipate that this dream is just that otherwise I am giving my situation much more control then it deserves. That in turn makes it much more detrimental than I am perceiving it to be...ugh I got this. As I sit here and type this I have "No One" on repeat, and although in the song she is expressing her endless love to some companion of hers she has some words that one can take and make it into a cry for help...

Anyway, I am really not happy with a few essential things in my life, but I guess this is just my time to cry to God because I should have just been looking to the hills from which cometh my help...

Sweet Escapes: Bittersweet Disappointment

Commitment: Making a promise to oneself or to take a vow and abide by the morals that you have embraced in your life; to remain within boundaries and uphold the agreement set forth by parties involved. It is a plan to ensure that you are doing what was set before you as what was right. Its an outright pledge of respect...and I have committed the ultimate crime that one can do in a relationship...I HAVE CHEATED ON MYSELF!!!

I have never been more disappointed in myself. It was all for a cheap thrill. I mean one of the times I cheated was very,very much worth its momentary indulgence...but then the next few days I was back and forth contemplating whether or no I really wanted it to happened as it did, or should it have happened when and how I had it planned?! oh what frustration I experienced that day...sigh

Then the days after when I was filled with rage and burning loins that yearned for his fulfilling caress, kiss, and teasing...oh let me stop now before I send myself on another roller coaster of seeking satisfaction...

I was so angry today at myself for being disobedient, I felt that I should have been punished, I feel that I want to tell him of my naughty behavior...but for why? Why should I taint the image he has of me, why should I pour black paint over our canvas...


This bittersweet disappointment that I have with myself...its the confusion of discipline, its the broken commitment that is weighing heavy on my heart because I have failed myself...

its still a tough one...if i didnt admire your character as i do it would be easier...but that is where i am torn between a valued growing friendship or a broken heart...but this is how i feel today, tomorrow i may feel differently

Sweet Escapes: All but a Broken Heart

So I have been awaiting the day that I say "I'm so into you" (in best SWV singing voice) to your face. I have been burning to understand if these feelings that I hold dear to my heart are shared and connected to you. I really just want to know, where they came from and why they are here. I hold on to these thoughts and think more of you and want to be with you. I want to be in your presence and be the essence of your smile. And each free moment that I can obtain and hold on to as mine, I bask in the possibility that it brings me joy to know you.

You told me that honesty was your newest thing and that you were a better because you desired to be, wanted to be, hoped to be. I told you that I could take it and roll with it and move on it with you. Last go round was a rocki road and unknowingly we vowed to take it slow, and let things naturally unwind. I have to admit, it wasn't suppose to pan out like this....me feeling you and you feeling me... good company is what we were suppose to be.

But I have caught a vibe from you that you want me but you don't...you don't want me because you are not who you want to be or where you want to be? I find myself fighting the same battles time and time again...why on earth did we become friends!! I do not like it when I long for you, that is not what I should be doing...

But your damn charm is connected to your swag which encourages my random sexual thoughts that are enticed by your subtle innuendo's that linger on my mind...or maybe its just the thought of me touching you, liking you, wanting to LOVE you and giving you multiple orgasms all over your body...but maybe that's just what I envisioned in my head...

But today you really took me to the corner of Broken Heart Blvd. The thought of you not being apart of the routine thoughts that I hold in my mind, brought me to an abrupt stop!! I was flustered and confused and was irrationally about to make a right turn down the dreaded street, but something in me said WAIT!!! Call and ask for directions, so I did and was very grateful of doing so...now I am riding along the freeway enjoying the tempo and flow of Just Friends...

thanks Tink, LH, and Coutee you are all life savers...for now at least.

Sweet Escapes: Lesson 3 Food, Folks, and Fun

So this go round was down time. No waking up and going 10 hours straight with text messages, voicemails, emails, interviews, and conference calls...just relaxation. I spent endless yet wonderful time with my favorite two people in this entire world, my joy and my pride, my sisters. I have never been in love with any one as much as I am in love with them. They are just wonderful gifts from God. We played endless games and shared funny stories and jokes into the wee hours of the morning. It was really awesome, I even was able to spoil them a little, which made me feel good as a sister but most importantly as an adult.

Sweet Escape: Lesson 1 Comfort & Honesty

So here it is, last night, you and I for the first time. Simplicity exsisted, conversation was great. You made me giggle and out right laugh. I felt completely welcomed by you and all things placed around me in this room. In my mind I was thinking (wow am I really here...chill-axin on a foreign couch, as if I had been here before and that I immediately fell into my comfort zone?)

Hmmm...Nice

Then I thought how much is this illusion gonna cost me? Yes I said cost, cause when you haven't felt the soothing soundwaves travelling the airway specifically for you in the while, well you somewhat become a nonbeliever of its existance. Well not really, but you ride on to the thought that it is apparently far in the distance.

But at this point last night that distance was clear and present
with this comfortable ass couch I have discovered...honestly this shit was GREAT!!! Let me tell you about this couch: It was soft to touch, no pillows in the seat area so the surface was not lumpy or constently fluctuating, but firm and steady. Its size was slender and sexy...something I would call living room eyecandy without all the fancy coverings of leather. From plainly looking at it and one picked up on the fact that it has seen plenty days and ways with the human body..but it still held its comfort and warmth to and for me. So as anyone who desired to see it for themselves, I indulged and basked in it.

I figured if from my naked eye I envisioned all the other components of its structure and expreesion upfront whatever else there is to come... I could handle, plus it had already spoke up to me and told me that I wouldn't regret if I took a seat...and those were the most honest words I had heard from anyone, I mean thing all day.

Later that day into the Morning...

Well after being filled with rage, anger, and disgust from my self. I showered, dressed, and walked out the door. I walked out into the world that was filled with greater problems that I could ever imagine having on my own. I walked out into the world were children and teenagers were on the streets enjoying what they saw as a peace-filled evening. I walked out of my house trying to regain my strength.

About 3 years ago, a dear friend of mine told me that I was very resilient. He had never witnessed someone who was a strong as I. I thought to myself that he was just being kind and attempting to encourage me to keep my head above water. For there were many times when I felt that I were drowning in a sea of sorrow and unfortunately had grabbed a hold of some of my friends that were not interested in going under with me, which eventually pushed them away. But as time moved on and I was able to clear my thoughts I began to believe in what my friend had shared with me. I reflected on days when I did not know him and times were "ruff". I had no one to count on but myself. I had no one to hear my words in there entirety. I was in a world were I was fighting to define myself and my surroundings were all nouns against me. But this is when I believed in me. Believed in all the things that I had learned throughout growth and development, adolescences, and young adult hood. I believed and agreed with what he said and what God said. I put my trust in the Lord. I put my all into Hebrews 11:1.

So this morning I awoke on my own, to God's sunshine and street noise. I awoke with a different spirit and new disposition on my life. I awoke knowing that all things are possible and inevitable things are set to be apart of my destiny. I got up, cleaned up, looked threw the things that belong to me and made up my mind that TODAY will not reflect YESTERDAY!!! For it is a thing of the past, dwelling on it will only make me mad. And because I picked up that attitude, the Lord lead me to his house and showed me His word. Today, unlike other times I was in he house of God I felt that the sermon was made for me. Made for my strength, to show me that the person I was, is not who God made me to be. For me to remain in encouraged and that Friends can sometimes be more than any other thing we find fond to our heart.

Lesson for the day: God sees' all of our faults, and still fulfills our needs.

Moving On...

Two years ago today, I was flustered, confused, excited, nervous, anxious, eager, ambitious, and UNSTABLE. I was getting ready to embark upon a life altering transition that would cause me to relocate, rethink, and regain a new composure and outlook on life. I was preparing to exist in a atmosphere that was nothing like the either of the ones that I had grown to call home. I was moving...

I was moving on with life and love. I was moving forward from my inhibitions and safe spaces to new and different places. I was moving away from what I dreamt of as my real love, I was moving away from the constantly self abusing relationship with myself, I was moving away from close friends, deeply cherished family, deeply committed volunteering, and I was moving for a job. I was moving for a job. Yeah Right!!! I was moving for an internship that only paid RENT. Now the internship did provide initial supportive housing, but that was quickly sold and I was practically thrown out in to the cold, harsh wilderness of my new location of living. I was moving on towards REALITY. My unstable environment was because I had no money, barely held on to my phone service, scarcely able to keep food to eat, hopped on and off the trains because I was hoping and praying that the police would not be on the trains checking tickets. I was moving on into a part of life that taught me about FAITH and HOPE. About that GOD is all that I need to endure the days here on this earth.

I was moving on...but at certain moments I really felt stuck and unable to move..on. I was complacent. But this immovable state was influenced by being broke, hungry, angry, confused, depressed, stressed, and lonely. I was struggling to try to understand that I was suppose to be learning something, but when it was all gone and the collect calls started to roll in, it was clear that I was there, alone.


Unfortunately, today I feel that I am here again. I feel that the reason I was ever there in that place was because I did not plan on moving. I did not think wisely enough to know that the day could ever come again. The only difference this time around is that I am not moving out of the state or even out the town, I am mere moving on to another stage in my life. I am moving on to a stage of adulthood. That I have longed for time and time again. Though now that I am here, I am resistant to the experience. I find myself wondering is this really where I want to be, as I did many of nights out in that foreign place I refuse to call home. Or is that I am suffering severely because I am once again BROKE and unstble!!

I often feel that I am the epitomy of foolishness and coonery. Why can I not get it right? Why can I not keep it clear, focused or steady?! I can honestly say that I am totally embarrassed today. I can not even imagine what life is like looking at me. Constant jokes and judgement, it has to be. I refuse to believe that it consist of any other things. I cannot pay my bills, I do not have a phone, and I am looking for a job. How tacky is that!! But I can hit up the party scene and please the men who do not desire to please me. FOOL, FOOL, FOOL...is what I envision is written all over my face, forehead, cheeks, and beaming from my eyes.