Moving On...

Two years ago today, I was flustered, confused, excited, nervous, anxious, eager, ambitious, and UNSTABLE. I was getting ready to embark upon a life altering transition that would cause me to relocate, rethink, and regain a new composure and outlook on life. I was preparing to exist in a atmosphere that was nothing like the either of the ones that I had grown to call home. I was moving...

I was moving on with life and love. I was moving forward from my inhibitions and safe spaces to new and different places. I was moving away from what I dreamt of as my real love, I was moving away from the constantly self abusing relationship with myself, I was moving away from close friends, deeply cherished family, deeply committed volunteering, and I was moving for a job. I was moving for a job. Yeah Right!!! I was moving for an internship that only paid RENT. Now the internship did provide initial supportive housing, but that was quickly sold and I was practically thrown out in to the cold, harsh wilderness of my new location of living. I was moving on towards REALITY. My unstable environment was because I had no money, barely held on to my phone service, scarcely able to keep food to eat, hopped on and off the trains because I was hoping and praying that the police would not be on the trains checking tickets. I was moving on into a part of life that taught me about FAITH and HOPE. About that GOD is all that I need to endure the days here on this earth.

I was moving on...but at certain moments I really felt stuck and unable to move..on. I was complacent. But this immovable state was influenced by being broke, hungry, angry, confused, depressed, stressed, and lonely. I was struggling to try to understand that I was suppose to be learning something, but when it was all gone and the collect calls started to roll in, it was clear that I was there, alone.


Unfortunately, today I feel that I am here again. I feel that the reason I was ever there in that place was because I did not plan on moving. I did not think wisely enough to know that the day could ever come again. The only difference this time around is that I am not moving out of the state or even out the town, I am mere moving on to another stage in my life. I am moving on to a stage of adulthood. That I have longed for time and time again. Though now that I am here, I am resistant to the experience. I find myself wondering is this really where I want to be, as I did many of nights out in that foreign place I refuse to call home. Or is that I am suffering severely because I am once again BROKE and unstble!!

I often feel that I am the epitomy of foolishness and coonery. Why can I not get it right? Why can I not keep it clear, focused or steady?! I can honestly say that I am totally embarrassed today. I can not even imagine what life is like looking at me. Constant jokes and judgement, it has to be. I refuse to believe that it consist of any other things. I cannot pay my bills, I do not have a phone, and I am looking for a job. How tacky is that!! But I can hit up the party scene and please the men who do not desire to please me. FOOL, FOOL, FOOL...is what I envision is written all over my face, forehead, cheeks, and beaming from my eyes.