So for about one full year now I have been complaining that I have been gaining weight. Sometimes I am completely motivated to exercise and eat properly and other times I fail myself completely over and over again. Well over the summer I noticed that I was still gaining weight I had to buy some items in the next size up and I was just thinking it was because of my breast. Well yesterday reality hit home when I had to purchase some pants in that same size as the dresses I had bought on occasion. So of course as always I just immediately cry to by best friend and tell her my troubles. I had out myself on a 1200 calorie diet for 2 weeks, that was washed down the drain when I went to PR. Upon returning from PR I have basically only consumed one meal per day, not because I am fasting or trying to renew my strength in God but because I am just at a lost of what I should be doing. What I believe I need is some motivation, and I have become dependent upon others to give it to me. I want to shop, but I know I should not being doing so. It is a guilty pleasure of mine, but going forward I will leave my at card at home and keep $20 on deck.
Let's see if I can sustain life that way. Buy myself some food at the grocery store and do as I should have been all along.
Then there is the other part of me. The part of me that I hate even exist and I really despise. The lame person inside of me is spending the majority of 2009 I have been back and forth, surface happy, deep down inside I am lonely. I was deeply in love with someone who I thought loved me in return. He did love but not as much as I did. I found so much joy and excitement in him, major fail on my part. I should never ever put my happiness into man of any kind. I do not know if I am looking for love or just looking for attention, all I do know is that I am not doing the right things.
I felt like J. Holiday, "I suffocate when you're away from me/ so much love you take for me/ im going out of my mind" but this is not how it should ever be. I just want to be happy, healthy, and in love for the right reasons, with someone who will love me as much as I love them.
ok the tears are forming gtg
Friday, September 11, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Love is a fate for time...
It's too big
It's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much
It's too tough
I talk like this cause...
I once thought I could talk like Bey, I mean she has that full force confidence in her love with her man. No matter what anyone may say or do, the love she has for him is present. It is in her smile in her dance, in her giggle and even in her stern ability to not want to discuss a minute detail of what they share. I once thought, I too was on the same road as she. But as time goes along, I come to realize that I am just a hopeless romantic.
I love easy and hard. Those are two facts about myself that I have come to learn as a truth. The unfortunate component of it all for me is that it is often in vain. I've lived in the "city of dreams" for almost 5 years now and these are the types of loves I have had:
1) the final chapter - 201524624
2) the vacuum - myspace
3) summer bunny - team ballin pure talent
4) the honest liar - bob marley
5) high school high - forever crush
Number 3 and 5 had me completely bamboozled. I mean good flow and great times, then SLAP!! Dead end of the road. The first time I was a bit angry and disgruntled, but then I got over it. Time does heal all things. The second one I should have known it was a gift and curse. He had me, wide open like my 201 tender love had me. It was just so unreal to be so happy and trusting in one. We understood each other endlessly, then 9 months into it it all went up in smoke... It was not a bad break up it was just not ever an official relationship. A major part of me wants to ask him, what is it? Is there hope? Or should I just close this chapter of life and leave well enough alone? Knowing I do not want to, I know I need too because having a broken heart won't lead me to a happy home.
I just want to be happy, I want to be loved. Some one to hold me in their arms, kiss me on my cheek, and neck. I want to listen to songs about love and know that I have all of that for myself. I do not want to share a man, or someone's time. I want my own big ego to stroke, so I can have every reason to feel like I'm that bitch.
Sigh...Im going to bed.
It's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much
It's too tough
I talk like this cause...
I once thought I could talk like Bey, I mean she has that full force confidence in her love with her man. No matter what anyone may say or do, the love she has for him is present. It is in her smile in her dance, in her giggle and even in her stern ability to not want to discuss a minute detail of what they share. I once thought, I too was on the same road as she. But as time goes along, I come to realize that I am just a hopeless romantic.
I love easy and hard. Those are two facts about myself that I have come to learn as a truth. The unfortunate component of it all for me is that it is often in vain. I've lived in the "city of dreams" for almost 5 years now and these are the types of loves I have had:
1) the final chapter - 201524624
2) the vacuum - myspace
3) summer bunny - team ballin pure talent
4) the honest liar - bob marley
5) high school high - forever crush
Number 3 and 5 had me completely bamboozled. I mean good flow and great times, then SLAP!! Dead end of the road. The first time I was a bit angry and disgruntled, but then I got over it. Time does heal all things. The second one I should have known it was a gift and curse. He had me, wide open like my 201 tender love had me. It was just so unreal to be so happy and trusting in one. We understood each other endlessly, then 9 months into it it all went up in smoke... It was not a bad break up it was just not ever an official relationship. A major part of me wants to ask him, what is it? Is there hope? Or should I just close this chapter of life and leave well enough alone? Knowing I do not want to, I know I need too because having a broken heart won't lead me to a happy home.
I just want to be happy, I want to be loved. Some one to hold me in their arms, kiss me on my cheek, and neck. I want to listen to songs about love and know that I have all of that for myself. I do not want to share a man, or someone's time. I want my own big ego to stroke, so I can have every reason to feel like I'm that bitch.
Sigh...Im going to bed.
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